Meditate Like Nobody’s Watching (Because They Aren’t, They’re on TikTok)

hello856902
Jun 26
3 min read

Let’s be honest. Meditation sounds like one of those things you should be doing—like flossing, or not texting your ex. But instead of inner peace, most of us just find ourselves sitting in silence, planning dinner or mentally replaying that awkward thing we said in 2014.

But hear me out: meditation is magic. Not rabbit-out-of-a-hat magic, but the kind that helps you not want to scream into a pillow when Karen from accounting "just loops you in real quick" on a Friday afternoon.

🧘‍♂️ What Even Is Meditation?

Imagine your brain is a browser with 57 tabs open, and one of them is playing music but you can’t find it. That’s life. Meditation is like Task Manager for your soul—it lets you force-quit the chaos.

You don’t have to chant “ommm” or sit on a Himalayan cliff in linen pants (unless that’s your thing). Meditation is simply the act of being present. That’s it. No incense required. Although, lavender does help.

🧠 The Sciencey Bit (Don’t Worry, It’s Fun)

Studies show that meditation can:

Reduce stress (so you don’t throw your phone across the room when someone texts “k.”)
Improve focus (like, actual focus—not just “I read the same sentence five times” focus)
Boost emotional regulation (aka you cry less during shampoo commercials)

Basically, it helps you stop being a reactive meat-puppet and start being a chill cucumber of consciousness.

😩 But I Tried Meditating and It Didn’t Work

Ah, yes. The classic.

“I sat down, closed my eyes, and immediately started thinking about pizza and taxes.”

Congrats, you’re doing it right. Meditation isn’t about having a blank mind. It’s about noticing the chaos without getting swept away in it. You don’t have to fight the thoughts—just nod at them like you’re passing coworkers in the hallway:

“Hey, anxiety about the future. Sup, childhood memory of being picked last in dodgeball.”

Eventually, the thoughts stop trying so hard to impress you. It’s like you’re the bouncer of your mental nightclub, and not every thought makes the VIP list.

🛠 How to Actually Start Meditating (Without Losing Your Mind)

Set a timer – 5 minutes is fine. You can do anything for 5 minutes. Even planks. (Barely.)
Sit comfortably – No need to twist into a yoga pretzel. Just don't lie down unless you're cool with waking up in 3 hours wondering what year it is.
Focus on your breath – It’s free, portable, and less annoying than affirmations that sound like your cousin’s Instagram captions.
Notice when your mind wanders – This will happen approximately every 0.2 seconds. Just gently come back to the breath, like herding drunk cats.
Repeat daily – Like brushing your teeth, but for your neurons.

🐒 The Monkey Mind and You

There’s a concept in meditation called “monkey mind.” Your thoughts are like a caffeinated monkey jumping from branch to branch, yelling, “What if you mess up tomorrow’s meeting?” or “Did your boss’s email sound passive-aggressive or what?”

Meditation doesn’t kill the monkey. It just gives you a banana and a front-row seat to the circus. Eventually, the monkey chills. Or at least stops throwing metaphorical poop at your peace of mind.

💡 Final Thoughts (Not Those Thoughts—Different Ones)

Meditation won’t turn you into a zen monk overnight. You’ll still forget your password, still get stuck in traffic, still feel weird when someone waves and you’re not sure if it’s at you. But it will give you space.

Space to pause.To breathe.To not send that text.To choose how you respond instead of react like a caffeinated squirrel.

And honestly, that’s kind of a superpower.

So next time you’re stressed, try sitting still and doing nothing. Not because you’re lazy, but because you're training to be the chillest, wisest cucumber in the produce section of life.

Namaste, you glorious chaos-being. 🧘‍♀️✨