Sugar: The Sweet Poison That Owns My Soul and Knows It

(Past Me) "Hi. My name is Chris, and I am a sugar addict."

No, I don’t mean I “liked” sweets. I mean I’ve eaten 3 jam doughnuts—and called it "lunch."

Sugar was not just in my diet. Sugar was my diet.

Thankfully I've tamed the beast (mostly) but it’s time we had a serious (but funny) talk about the white powdery menace that’s hiding in plain sight. No, not that one. The one in your cereal. The one in your "healthy" granola bar. The one you snuck at midnight in the form of stale Halloween sweets (been there) and zero regret.

Okay, some regret.

🍩 Sugar: Delicious, Dangerous, and Definitely Gaslighting You

Let’s call sugar what it is: a manipulative little sweetheart.

It says, “Hey, just one biscuit,” then suddenly you're knee-deep in a box of Fox's biscuits, wondering how your life spiraled into a sugar induced blackout.

You know it’s bad for you. Like, scientifically, medically, and morally questionable. But you can’t stop. Because sugar is that toxic ex who sends you memes at 2 a.m. and you still respond because... dopamine.

🧠 The Brain on Sugar: “WHEEEE!”

When you eat sugar, your brain lights up like Times Square on New Year’s. Dopamine floods your system like you're starring in a feel-good montage where everything’s going great and your skin is glowing.

But then… the crash.

Suddenly, the world is dim. You’re tired, cranky, and questioning your life choices while scraping biscuit crumbs off your chest.

Congratulations, you’ve just completed the sugar rollercoaster. Please keep your arms and insulin inside the ride at all times.

🍕 “But I Don’t Even Eat That Much Sugar!”

Sure, Jan.

Sugar is sneaky. It’s not just in cake and fizzy drinks—it’s in everything. Salad dressing. Bread. Pasta sauce. That "healthy" yogurt that has more sugar than a jam donut wearing a candy necklace (remember those from the 80's?).

Reading food labels becomes a horror movie:

• Evaporated cane juice

• Organic brown rice syrup

• Crystalline fructose

These are not ingredients. These are aliases for a criminal on the run.

🧟‍♂️ The Withdrawal Is Real

Try quitting sugar and you’ll discover what it's like to be a zombie with a sweet tooth. Headaches, irritability, cravings so intense you’d trade a family heirloom for a Skittle.

Your body doesn’t want kale. It wants revenge.

You’ll find yourself sniffing cookie-scented candles and fantasizing about licking a cinnamon roll like it’s a forbidden lover.

Yes, quitting sugar is hard. But so is explaining to your dentist why your molars are just... gone.

❤️ Why We Gotta Try Anyway

Sugar is fun. It’s delicious. It turns birthdays into parties and sadness into Netflix-fueled coping rituals. But too much of it?

• Trashes your immune system

• Fuels inflammation

• Wreaks havoc on your mood

• Makes your pancreas weep softly at night

  
  

And don’t even get me started on the energy crashes, the bloat, or the fact that I once ate three chocolate eclairs just to “wake up.”

Cutting back doesn’t mean becoming a joyless celery stick of a human. It means reclaiming control from the tiny white tyrant that’s been running your bloodstream like a casino.

🎯 Final Thoughts: Sweet Freedom (But Like, With Fruit)

I’m not saying never eat sugar. I’m not even saying stop eating cupcakes—what kind of monster would suggest that?

I’m just saying… know your enemy. Respect it. Moderate it. Don’t let it gaslight you into thinking that “just a nibble” isn’t a gateway to eating an entire cheesecake standing over the sink like some kind of dairy gremlin (remember the Friends episode - the one where they sit eating cheesecake off the floor?).

Because the truth is: sugar is a poison.

A sweet, seductive, socially acceptable, beautifully packaged poison.

It’s time to love yourself more than you love jellybeans.